my first axes femme dress was brought and will be shipped today. 3rd july 2024

it's been so long.... 16 September 2024. I honestly thought id be dead by 14 much less 13 so being 16 is kind of crazy. I'm getting my braces removed! sixth form is. hard and I dislike being alone, but it's less stressful then regular school. everyone's in their own worlds.!

it's winter break... God I need to make this look cute. I don't think the lack of quality can be hand waved away with "gap moeeee" anymore... hrghh. I feel really alone today, but i read my new copy of yuri kuma arashi 2 cheer me up.

i made an amv! a while ago it's 20th of December when I'm writing this. sei sato marimite themed! watch here!
also also, I feel somewhat regretful of deleting most of my online presence up to the like, 4 months before I turned 15. I wish to look back and lament... but also do I reallllly. There r like two accounts one that's private that are still up from when I was 13 n that's it really.

31 may 2025 im really tired and it's nearly the eend of spring break. Alit of the ttime i just wish i we're dead oh whatever ending it here nobody even fucking reads thisnblog i plan of hhaving it until i die thats a lie i don't even think the ssite will exist for tthat lo onyg btw im not trying a typing qquirk though i already know that as in i tuijo thEyre tstupid im typing on mmy phone

22 september 2025 uneventful summer break i have one class today. I eill always be online Humanoid a Computer Angel Heart and thafs fine. i went to two conventions though. They were fun, but the people i were around were younger than me by like 2-4 years and it made me feel insecure haha. nothing i really liked there either except for some toyuys.. they had some tails as well...cute.i. getting more and more weary of my growing age and growing loneliness so i think i will first off archive this to look back on in the future and also start updating alot more often. i fancy myself a princess in a tower, dont i...

hello everyone! it is the 10th of november as im writing this, and its been nearly 4 months of being 17. i would like to thank myself for getting a life, a girlfriend, twenty friends, a job, n.... none of htat happened im pulling your leg BUT I GOT A PC NOW AND THAT WHAT MATTERS. I GOT THE MONITOR FOR 10 DOLLARS SINCE THE OLD ONE BROKE ITS 20 BUT THIS OLD DOG FOR SURE CAN DO MORE TRICKS THAN MY POOR HOUND SELF. recently, i mean also during my last entry ive been trying to take a break of of the net. i cant say my moods improved, in fact i feel like im in the minority bcs i -LOVEEE- the net though maybe its bcs i dont get into discourse much oh look at you arent u a clever thing sorry im prone to circle jerking. but yeah i consider myself a bit asocial and ive always felt this way, id live in my own ecosystem if i could, go fuck yourself literally - but talking on the net is a bit easier for me and also i like talking abt the things i like and looking at nice things... but i cant right now bcs im in my senior year. so i guess im doing a little prohibition by unbanning chrome so i can type this. so break from the net as both socials and dicking around on the world wide web, and i do alot more of the latter than the former as the majority of my social media presence is interest blogging as i dont really consider myself talented enough to keep a following drawing and i dont like taking pictures of myself at all. otaku is justice you know.... i have been drawing during class but i really wanna whip out my apple pen n draw my ocs making love!!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO DIE NOT REALLY I TRIED COMMITING A WHILE BACK ACTUALLY BUT I DECIDED THAT IF I AM TO SERIOUSLY TRY AGAIN I SHOULD DO IT WHEN IM 21. ,

i really love the net though. thank you for saving me when i was so so so so so scared. youre fucked up and evil but not my net. kissing my pc rn. i really wish that i could let you feel what im feeling.... i want to leave behind something that would make anyone feel a little less alone. i dont think i could do that here, but i wanna start drawing more. i made a neocities for a story ive been making for 5 years.

what else.... im doing college applications... i watched may 2002 its a very good movie. my english nea is abt carrie and the metamorphosis. i am WONDERFUL in my isolation. i have got my first lolita coord and i think i look lovely! its krad lanrete. i hate studying and i am very sure i have unmedicated adhd, my school counsellor makes me so angry but i am medically powerless to get any help for my mental issues. fuck camhs! I sound happy not really im still rather pissy. toodles!

u know what 11/11 IS IT HOMESTUCK DAY...... IS IT... CSN HSBC UPDATE. TAKE ME TO CC. I WANT TO BE WITH CC. ijjjj oh ive been dieting n excercisign recently. i mean i have since august but being at school makes it easier lmao ive actually lost a fair bit! actually its less dieting n life style change in general, i want to stop having bed... ive struggled w my weight for as long as i can remmeber, but i was thinking abt how nice it would be to wear what i want and talk to who i want and go where i want when im an adult, right:? my teen and child years were hillariously bad but im in a sticky situation therapy wise... but yeah cooked up a meal feel real full i like to think that im seeing improvements. i hope by december i see alot more, haha... when i reach my first goal i want to treat myself to some clothes. honestly i think i could eat the same thing for the rest of my life most days, its why i hate vacations. its a shame im stupid i could be such a good worker bee rite lmao... anywayssss i was looking at films from a list which were apparently free- well i guess most films r wink wink nudge nudge. i tried sorting the ones which were gay and there was brokeback - already watched, queer duck - already watched - but im a cheerleader - girl i dont play... n i found a lesbian sadomaso one called ''aishteru'' idk much abt it bcs it was played at a german queer film festival in 2022 once and like the main blondie girl was in another movie abt being gay something underwater something also some tweets im pretty sure shes gay thats cool maybe ill watch it it depends on whether its okay i was actually originally very hyped bcs trhe director seemed to mostly do horror so i was seeing it and ythought there would be some CRAZY TWIST but no it seems like just a normal ass mockumentary. reviews seemed mixed despite its award winnings. i have complicated feelings abt alot on the blurb but like...whatever during winter break i plan on going ona huge binge...it was apparently on internet archive and got removed.

i honestly feel like i could go a while without one on one conversation, but id like to talk to a few people in particular rn, i feel like im in jail, or that one image of that fat ass bird in the cage where it can totally fly away but its like ooo woe is me. thats all i do. they call me learned helplessness 2000. but it feels kind of nice to feel more empty and waiting around in hopes for a change after thinking i shouldve died a year ago when i still had the chance. even though i dont get absolutely anything, im working to the best i can!!!! or something like that.... i had a yuri break in the morning i think that helped me regain stamina a bit. my treadmill ran out of batteries so i need to go get some. im thinking of wearing lolita outside on saturday, i was originally gonna meet up w someone but plans fell thru but thisll be a nice reward for a nice young man such as myself, right.?

im so tired.... im doing my coursework rn bcs my main one is due in 3 weeks basically... 13/11/2025 i only have to do a bit for homework but im trying to focus more on academia butttt i allowed myself to talk a bit yesterdau so im really totally cheesed a bit anyways something happened n i dont like myself at all for it. i feel kind of sad bcs i dont have any good memories of sixth form literally AT ALL actually no the trips we went to were pretty fire icl but ... mygo was airing when i was strill in year 11 so i was thinking something like that wouldve been fun. i stay an insect once more 0.0 .... lalala atashi wa mushi no onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnna.............!!!!! my philosophy class was pretty good today though and my english teacher wasnt as pissy!

hello, 15th of november! ive been thinking alot abt my future... the idealised self... i actually realise i havent said much abt my identity. i should make a page for htat, maybe? but anyways i wanted to do a little thing abt what id like to buy if i get a job since its christmas n places r hiring! what webmoester would do with a month worth of a part time job! or if a large sum fell from the sky... id like a sweet lolita jsk! actually, recently ive been thinking that natural shades also fit me... anime figures.... bag

17/11 sometimes it feels like the world wants me to be like this forever actually. i wasn't born into good or stable circumstances, so being in senior year is very scary lmao. I'm not very vocal abt my problems irl, there's no way for me to be, trial and error and all that. being terminally online and copies fiction is probably a coping mechanism... Lol! but im trying to look for youth groups... It's funny bcs i just got given the ability to go places alone when im 17, not technically alone as they have to drive me there and only at the mall, but yeah small steps. Its a bit stupid whenever I try and see mental health counselling but itd be so fucking hard to get it. I really DO fancy myself a princess in some tower! So gross!!!!! But I've been looking for a job, you know.

do u eicl I never felt guily on the basis Of "wasting" my youth bcs it comes to the point if the opportunity of something id like to do being present and inall the times where it could've happened Ive tried to take it...i just want to be an adult so i can get the fuck out of here n do what i need to doooo so i do

19/11 i think my period is gonna happen i have the worst cramps on earth and i don't get that much periods bcs of my pcos n fuckkk itai itai yo!!!!!! uhmm im not gonna exercise today bcs it really hurts lmao... but I've been trying to do 20 mintjes daily but walking to and from is basically that so. Ahhh! AHHHHH! other than that uhh today my petticoat i ordered a while back proper lolita petti n not one i got w a madoka cosplay from a garage sale (probably the funniest thing that happened to me) (i miss my garage sale nearby wahhh! come back soon please!!!!) it's PROPER N COOL.! !

uh it's one of my irls birthday today im not close w her at all so i just gave her some chocolate n two keychains. i know its a bit selfish but i wish that somebody would celebrate my birthday... I don't rlly get gifts wrapped up n stuff i haven't since i was like 16 and while freedom to get what u want is good. my favourite memory from school is probably my now astranged due to my horrible personality friend getting me this really lovely looking ribbon.

23/11 isnt christmas just 2 close?!?! icant wait until winter break. ive really been trying to land a job bcs my circumstances arent reallllly the best so id LUV ^/////^ to get a job to forget everything that was ever painful right... i just got rejected 4 times in a row, if you send a letter of rejection to me one more time im therowing myself off just kidddinggggg :3. other than that woke up today and was like i should reread I love amy and i did and its funny bcs i read it back in like 2022. i suppose im still a lot like amy but i envy that type of kindness... the art is rlly cute i hope it gets green yuri treatment soon.

25/11 i finally have 2 pen pals yayyyy. gonna reorganize when i get home.

look at my anthy keychain also i got a new camera im trying my best to work my ass off but i brought this camera for 5 dollars at the thrift so like. 6th dec also i see my excercise on my body more. hope i see it better on february...i have school pictures in 5 days so im wearing lolita.

day before school pics.. 10th .. CHRISTMAS IN TWO WEEKS!!!!!!

squeallll. got a bunch of compliments. ppl said i looked like a little victorian doll... i have to wash my dress though, i seemingly accidentally got it dirty.

15/12 Smashed the window pane with my right hand My blood ablaze, it drips down I cannot suppress my violent urges Towards myself and others Slashed a cross into my left hand My blood ablaze, it gushes out I cannot suppress my violent tendencies Towards myself and others this is the the referemce
in othe rnews got my timetable and also a stained my melo plush

27/12 - EEK! schools been school, and its christmas break... i brought four pieces of jfashion. lots have changed i want to talk abt it on new years. ill love myself

THIS IS10/01/2025 SOTTY FOR BEJNG LATE IM IN THE CAR I WAS JUST OVERWHELMED W THE WANT TI RIGHT . bcs i have had a bad day. also i have exactly six months until my birthday.

hiii its 20/01 this is really quick but i have mock exams. i hope i can imrpove in the next 4 months bcs ive been crying all week.,. i feel so so so so helpless... i can give up going outside bcs i dont usually go outside anyway and ill even give up yuri manga and movies but not cablechewing bcs this diary is hopefully going to help me fufill my voyeur and digi acceleration angel fantasies. i truly hate how stupid and heard too teach i am... id be okay with being slow academically but being socially slow is a whole different evil.. I never got to live my bandori dreams. sometimes i really wonder if humans are supposed to be social creatures. i feel like i kind of lie to myself. but i dont have a very strong sense of self either. i feel kind of like an insect or something, but i have such an animalistic hatred of things that ive got to be human lmao!!!!!!!! i want to be properly scared but properly happy as well. this numbness isnt nice at all. so im trying my hard to work from my broken base you know.???? even if i dont do well onmy a levels ill get a job in the summer and try and retake them after. i wont spend my eid or birthday money either. i am a true monk... a castrated one.;. jerking my penid.. but i dont want to die. i think that i am very unaware of most things to do with life, in part bcs of the type of circumstances i have lived. i want a beautiful adult life. i want to have friends, even if i still think that clone society would probably be the best way for a socially inept and ah-pathetic ( it is unclear whether i am actually apathetic or torturing myself) sensitive young man like me. my whole life has felt like waiting..... this is what they were doing to dirk strider in homestuck fanart but i lowk suffered more than him bcs im a brown lesbian

did not do well on my exam. i have such a rraw desire to be real right now. i really wish i was real more than anything. 21/01 i think i will up it to 4 hours. sns doesnt distract me nearly as much but im still going to keep screen trime to at most 1 hour for the forseeable future. apparently my plan to go to a jfashion meet might be in jeapordy. i really want to dream, even just once.

todayss been nice so farrrrr i read some of the locked tomb n some random oneshots but im mostly focusing on reading up on ethics,,, listening to devi mccallion discog 25.01

februaries gone sooo quicky. 10/02. im going to be honest ive done horrible in my prep exams so i will probably at least try and delay my parents finding out as soon as humanly possible but otehr than that im going to try even more harder now. college. college. friends. dressing in nice skirts. im okay with redoing senior year but i might have to attempt a unsuccessful suicide attempt to punctuate my issues. i just binge watched chaser game and started friendly rivalry w, bless my wonderful gl otaku life.

p> ill go to counselling tom0rrrow. been listerning to you cant fight the homestuck over and over n startrd Comprehensive Tovarisch i feel like im dying in real time and rvrtuones just watchinf me drag along my corpse around everywhere. BUT ITS OKAY BECAUSE I AM TRYING AND KIND and like kris from deltarune.

FEELING REAALLY BAD but im bored let me make an abt me page. i skipped counselling today. im probably going to be abandoning this page, because nothing much really happens.. i have 3 months so im trying to ramp up the studying. hey ive had this site for 3 years. freshman year rite...turning 18 in 4. ill update more in the summer break.been listening to rolling girl and going wow peak welcome back 2016 truly.

For lonely girls, it's always the same, dreaming dreams that don't come true And churning, churning through the clamor in their heads A lonely girl mutters "I'm fine", have words failed her? A failure, a failure. Obsessing over her mistakes makes everything spin again! One more time, one more time - "I'll roll along again today" The girl said, the girl said Breathing life into the words!

absolute cinema. tokyo teddy bear close second. but adblock for soundcloud works while spotify doesnt at least on my pc but if i did use spotify shit would be on my monthly. 2 days ago i kind of wanted to go to the supermarket w my father but then he cancelled bcs he was sick so tomorroe im going out to a meetup fingers crossed which means that im going somewhere that is not school or home for the first time in nearly a month - i was true to my word in january! i really wanted a sweet treat. i saw a cat on my way to school today 12-02

i went to the meetup! it was really fun i wish i got to take more pictures.. ill upload it later! i was raised muslim, though i consider myself a pretty strong atheist, however i have to fast.